Diary Entry 18/07/11

This is mainly to Med, Jojesek and anonymous (who all posted comments on my last entry).

Firstly thank you all so much for taking the time to comment and especially to Med for keep trying to checking up on me. Despite not replying i have read your posts and really really appreciate your concerns.

The reason i havent replied back is because ive had such a shit week. When i feel so down and out i feel so incredibly lonely and find it so hard to try and reach out to anyone, even if that is just in the form of writing in my blog or replying to someone's post. Its not because i dont care about what other people have written, its more that i cannot bring myself to do it. The week gone has been particularly bad, so much so that i was told by the GP to go to A+E at my local hospital and see the psych team due to my constant suicidal thoughts. They sent a 'crisis' team to my house a few days later who said i need to see both a phychiatrist and a pyschologist immediately.

Ive also been increasingly worried to go back to university. I was so incredibly hurt last year that whilst i had everything going on, i looked to my closest friends at university to help me out. I am usually a very proud and emotionally strong person, so i hardly told anyone, and started with my best friend at university who lived next to me. I thought she would have died for me but when i told her, she completely turned her back and pretty much walked away. Whenever i confronted her to ask why, she would give lame and pathetic excuses, but with hindsight now i know that with all the work she had, the time that she would have had to spend taking care of me would mean she would have little time for a social life. So she chose the social life instead. This wouldnt have been so hard to take if it then didnt happen with all other of my five mates that lived hear me, when i told them. I basically had two friends at university last who actually supported me through everything. TWO people.

So far, in the two months we have had off for the summer holidays, i havent received a single call, text or facebook message from a single one of these friends. I felt so lonely and unwanted at university last year that coupled with the depression i started to seriously self harm because i couldnt take it anymore. I used to sit in my room and cry every night waiting for someone to show up and even want to talk to me. From being someone who had loads of friends in first year to this in second year was too difficult. I know it sounds pathetic but i just cant let go of it and i am so scared the same is going to happen when i repeat second year in october.

I cant have another year like the last..

Milly

Diary Entry 10/07/11

Hey all

Great news. After suffering near two weeks of hell i have had such a good day today. It is the closest i have felt to normal for the past nine months. I cannot describe how incredible it feels to be even within touching distance of normal. In the afternoon, some friends came round to see me, then i went to play miniature golf with cousins at night, and then was chilling with friends till about 4am. Yes at times I felt like i was in a glass box but it is the first time i have been in social situations with people and not feared it or them, i felt like i could be myself and i actually managed to smile today. Such a stark contrast from the previous two weeks where i could think of nothing but suicide!

I have no idea what sparked this. Was it the fact that after over 2 months i was able to shed a few tears yesterday night when things were really bad? You see, when i feel so low all i want to do is cried but it seems as if i am completely devoid of that emotion. It was only a few tears but at least it was something.

Or was it the fact that MED had commented on my last blog entry and actually expressed concern about me? If you've read my second poem, you'll know how many of my friends (especially those at uni) have just completely walked away and couldnt care less. So to see that not only someone cared, but was also reading my blog put a huge smile on my face in the morning. Thank you so much!

Or maybe it was the fact that i was socially interacting with friends i could feel at ease with, some who i hadnt seen in a long time. Usually when i go out or see friends, i get very tired afterwards, and when they are gone and i have come home, the withdrawal of their presence causes me to crash and it feels very cruel afterwards, to the extent where i actually fear going to see my friends. Maybe because today i met three groups of people in a row, without a chance to contemplate things or think about the crash afterwards. Yes this isnt sustainable and cant be done everyday, but right now i actually couldnt care less!

I know this may not sound like much to many poeple but to me it is a giant step. Yes i havent won the race, or even completed it, but just being able to make it to the start line feels so good after what ive been through this year. I had forgotten what smiling from the inside even felt like, and now i feel as if i just wont he euromillions lottery!

I know the crash will come tomorrow, and it will be ridiculously cruel, but for the first time in almost a year, i can genuinely say i am going to bed with a smile on my face.

Milly

Diary Entry - 09/07/11

I've pretty much hit rock bottom now and every time i think it cant get any worse, it just does. I have absolutely no will to live anymore and everything in my life is based on whether i am still here next week or not. Today i went to have dinner at my little cousin's house - someone who is like a brother to me and usually brings me so much joy when he's around - and all i could think about when our two families were having dinner is 'is this even real?' I wish for once i could have not felt as if i was sitting in a glass box watching the conversations unfold around me as if i was in a movie flashback. Its so difficult i cannot begin to articulate it into words, and only those going through a similar thing can understand.

People keep saying to me that this wont last forever, to take it one day at a time. Its been 9 months now, which feels like forever and quite frankly, it feels like im sitting on death's row waiting for the grim reaper to take me away and set me free.

Only he keeps delaying the date and its truly messing me over.

Some songs for when you are feeling ANGRY and VOLATILE!!

Right so as I've stated, I'm a huge fan of Eminem. Not the character himself, as he is portrayed in the media, but his ability to rap about his much publicised depression (which led to his destructive affair with drugs from 2005 onwards) whilst still being able to portray the emotions that he has in his songs.

I guess the first song to start with is definitely Eminem - Talking to Myself from his most recent Recovery album:

'Is anybody out there?
It feels like I'm talkin to myself
No one seems to know my struggle
And everything I come from
Can anybody hear me?
I guess I keep talkin to myself
It feels like I'm going insane
Am I the one who's crazy?

So why in the world do I feel so alone
Nobody but me, I'm on my own
Is there anyone out there
Who feels the way I feel
If there is, let me hear just so I know I'm not the only one'

Sound familiar?

More from me soon!

Milly

A Few Helpful Books

So I thought I'd start by mentioning a few books that really helped me out since October. I’m not saying that they will magically take away the pain of depression, but I remember that when this all started, my mind was such a whirlwind of chaos trying to contemplate the colossal drop in my mood. I had no idea what was going on, and until I read these two books some 3-4 months later, I had no sense of what had happened to me.

The first is a book by Matthew Johnstone called 'I Had a Black Dog.' It is incredibly easy to read; in fact it is practically a picture book and can be read inside ten minutes. However, it is one of the best simplified books on describing depression that I have read. I was given it by a friend of mine who had bought it to understand my emotions and feelings. I would recommend borrowing this from a local library or buying it especially if you have been recently diagnosed with depression, or you are the loved one of somebody who you think may be going through it. 

Depression is one of the hardest things to explain to people who have never experienced it, but I really believe this book does it some justice. For me, it was really important to finally put into words exactly how I'd been feeling, and the fact that it was a 'normal' symptom to someone who is depressed. For example, I couldn’t understand how I was so clinically efficient at masking all of my symptoms to those around me for an entire term at university - in fact even my roommate hadn’t noticed until I told him! 'Keeping face' as I called it, but the book explains that this is a natural reaction to anyone that is hit with depression, because they feel like it’s almost a dirty secret they have to keep hidden.

Amazon: I had a black dog

Another much more in depth book is 'Depressive Illness - Curse of the Strong.' This was also given to me by the same friend who gave me the previous book, and takes much longer to read. The downside is that it only talks about stress induced depression - i.e. depression born out of trying to do too much all the time. However, if you think that this might be related to you, or someone you know, then I would suggest reading it. But PLEASE, only read a few pages a day. When this was given to me I raced through the book in two days, as the concepts are quite easy to get your head around. However, I ignored the advice of the book itself, and when I went to read over it again, a few pages at a time; I found that I hardly remembered anything. 

It goes over the depression, how and why it may have been induced, and steps to recovery and keeping the depression away for good. I have to say that I only ever read it in my most angry moods, but it definitely has some helpful tips and well worth a read.

Amazon: Depressive Illness - Curse of the Strong

Please let me know if these books where at all helpful, and if there are any others out there you would strongly recommend, comment away!

Milly

Explaining the Posts!

Sorry it's been such a long time since my last post! I've been thinking a lot about what I want this blog to be and exactly what i should say in it. Should I use it as a tool to help other people in a similar situation to mine - when there are already numerous blogs and books out there doing the same thing - or should I use it as a sort of online diary of my thoughts and feelings? I've decided to stop procrastinating over the issue and to go with the latter.

That's not to say that I do not want to help anyone who is going through a similar dark patch in their life, but instead that I wanted the blog to be personal and unique! There are so many helpful books out there that are definitely worth a read, and I will mention these in a later post, but another thing that has helped me immensely is music.

You see, depression is such a personal illness, and I have found that hardly anyone can understand what I am going through. The hardest thing is to put into words exactly how you feel, especially during the hardest times of the day/week. many different phrases have been used such as: it's like living in a glass box, it's like having a constant black cloud over your head, or the one that I use the most; it's like living as a ghost.

That's why I always turn to music when i am feeling so low. There are many artists that have gone through depression and hearing them describe it in their music sends a sense of soothing - almost as if there is someone out there that understands my pain. Not only this but even songs which are quite dark or powerful are addictive to listen to!

So look out for future blogs in which I will be sharing my favourite songs for my various moods! Essentially I have three separate moods: the first being well and ok (relative to the depression), the second feeling weak ad desperate, and the third being angry, dark and volatile. The music I listen to is really reflective on the mood that I feel at the current time!

Welcome to Milly Presents Poetry in Motion

Hey everybody, and welcome to my blog.

I'm a 20 year old student at one of the world's top universities. I love studying the subject that I have taken, I was an active member in many sports clubs and my social life was also very healthy. I have a great family and a great group of friends. However, in October 2010 I was hit with severe depression and have been struggling with it ever since.

I wont bore you with all of the details but essentially its like living as a ghost. Those of you that are suffering from depression or know a loved one that is will understand how its like looking at the world from inside a glass cage. In the desperation to find some kind of feeling I have done many crazy things, overdosing, turning to self harm, and more recently writing dark poetry.

Whilst there are many guides on the internet on coping with depression, and many discussion forums where people openly talk about their experiences, i still found that none of these connected with me. In the past year of feeling like this, I wish that I had someone who was going through something similar so that they could understand exactly what i was going through. Whilst that is still found wanting, I have been listening to a lot of rap music.

I feel slightly embarrassed in admitting this, but listening to artists such as Eminem - who have also been through depression - has helped a great deal. With the emotion and the pain evident in such songs, its nice to know that you aren't alone in what you are going through.

So I have essentially set up this blog for two reasons. The first is that I will post links to all of the songs that I like to listen to when feeling depressed and angry, as well as feel good songs that can pick you up from such an abyss.  The second reason is that i wanted a forum in which I can display my poems that I have written as a coping mechanism for the pain and anger i often feel. Please feel free to read them, understand the word play and comment away!

Even if I can help one person from writing this blog, then for me it will be a success.

Thank you all for reading, and I will be in touch soon!

Milly