This is mainly to Med, Jojesek and anonymous (who all posted comments on my last entry).
Firstly thank you all so much for taking the time to comment and especially to Med for keep trying to checking up on me. Despite not replying i have read your posts and really really appreciate your concerns.
The reason i havent replied back is because ive had such a shit week. When i feel so down and out i feel so incredibly lonely and find it so hard to try and reach out to anyone, even if that is just in the form of writing in my blog or replying to someone's post. Its not because i dont care about what other people have written, its more that i cannot bring myself to do it. The week gone has been particularly bad, so much so that i was told by the GP to go to A+E at my local hospital and see the psych team due to my constant suicidal thoughts. They sent a 'crisis' team to my house a few days later who said i need to see both a phychiatrist and a pyschologist immediately.
Ive also been increasingly worried to go back to university. I was so incredibly hurt last year that whilst i had everything going on, i looked to my closest friends at university to help me out. I am usually a very proud and emotionally strong person, so i hardly told anyone, and started with my best friend at university who lived next to me. I thought she would have died for me but when i told her, she completely turned her back and pretty much walked away. Whenever i confronted her to ask why, she would give lame and pathetic excuses, but with hindsight now i know that with all the work she had, the time that she would have had to spend taking care of me would mean she would have little time for a social life. So she chose the social life instead. This wouldnt have been so hard to take if it then didnt happen with all other of my five mates that lived hear me, when i told them. I basically had two friends at university last who actually supported me through everything. TWO people.
So far, in the two months we have had off for the summer holidays, i havent received a single call, text or facebook message from a single one of these friends. I felt so lonely and unwanted at university last year that coupled with the depression i started to seriously self harm because i couldnt take it anymore. I used to sit in my room and cry every night waiting for someone to show up and even want to talk to me. From being someone who had loads of friends in first year to this in second year was too difficult. I know it sounds pathetic but i just cant let go of it and i am so scared the same is going to happen when i repeat second year in october.
I cant have another year like the last..
Milly
5 comments:
Hello Milly, it is so nice to hear from you again. I know you said it's been a tough week... but what an amazing week. Going to see your GP took courage, and the Crisis Team are so expert and sensitive and understanding... I expect you are in good hands with them. Do your best to follow any advice they give you.
Nothing you have said is 'pathetic', and later down the line you'll get to know this depression thing better and see how it clouds our judgement. One step at a time... so lets talk about University later down the line. For now, the first thing is to help you feel safe... that you needn't harm yourself in anyway... that like me and many others, you'll get better but it will take time. Accept that you are not your usual self and try and stop making demands on yourself, treat yourself like you would a friend that isn't feeling too well and so go easy on yourself. Getting better takes time, energy and effort... and more time. But you will get better.
I check your blog everyday Milly, so if you want to talk some more I'm here. (hug)
Med has just given you about the best advice I've ever heard. All of it and particularly to try and treat yourself the way you would treat a friend who isn't feeling great.
Nothing you are saying is pathetic, nor is it anything I haven't said or felt myself. It may seem a little empty right now but the truth is that it does and will get better. Just do whatever is necessary to keep yourself unharmed in the meantime.
Thinking of you and always willing to "listen" when you are ready. Please don't feel any obligation to me.
How are you getting on Milly?
Keep Posting. It will only help x
Just wondering what ever happened to milli?
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