Hey all
Great news. After suffering near two weeks of hell i have had such a good day today. It is the closest i have felt to normal for the past nine months. I cannot describe how incredible it feels to be even within touching distance of normal. In the afternoon, some friends came round to see me, then i went to play miniature golf with cousins at night, and then was chilling with friends till about 4am. Yes at times I felt like i was in a glass box but it is the first time i have been in social situations with people and not feared it or them, i felt like i could be myself and i actually managed to smile today. Such a stark contrast from the previous two weeks where i could think of nothing but suicide!
I have no idea what sparked this. Was it the fact that after over 2 months i was able to shed a few tears yesterday night when things were really bad? You see, when i feel so low all i want to do is cried but it seems as if i am completely devoid of that emotion. It was only a few tears but at least it was something.
Or was it the fact that MED had commented on my last blog entry and actually expressed concern about me? If you've read my second poem, you'll know how many of my friends (especially those at uni) have just completely walked away and couldnt care less. So to see that not only someone cared, but was also reading my blog put a huge smile on my face in the morning. Thank you so much!
Or maybe it was the fact that i was socially interacting with friends i could feel at ease with, some who i hadnt seen in a long time. Usually when i go out or see friends, i get very tired afterwards, and when they are gone and i have come home, the withdrawal of their presence causes me to crash and it feels very cruel afterwards, to the extent where i actually fear going to see my friends. Maybe because today i met three groups of people in a row, without a chance to contemplate things or think about the crash afterwards. Yes this isnt sustainable and cant be done everyday, but right now i actually couldnt care less!
I know this may not sound like much to many poeple but to me it is a giant step. Yes i havent won the race, or even completed it, but just being able to make it to the start line feels so good after what ive been through this year. I had forgotten what smiling from the inside even felt like, and now i feel as if i just wont he euromillions lottery!
I know the crash will come tomorrow, and it will be ridiculously cruel, but for the first time in almost a year, i can genuinely say i am going to bed with a smile on my face.
Milly
7 comments:
Hey Milli, so good to read another post from you. Thank you. I gather that you are just heading off to sleep as I write, whilst I'm just waking up. You are Rock n Roll Milli! When I woke up Milli it was to write in my blog, but seeing that you had posted made me happy and I’d rather be writing on your blog today than my own. So today I dedicate my blog to you.
I wake up earlier each morning. What wakes me is thinking... the thoughts just crash around in there with no regard for the fact I may be asleep. Each morning I come down and write. Recently I switched anti-depressants and mornings became hard again... but I've been on enough of them to know that it takes a bit of time for my body and the meds to get into a groove. Now I'm waking earlier again.
Ok... you are probably wondering why this guy is waffling on about when he wakes up each morning... I would be. Here is where I'm going with this Milli. I used to sit in front of my GP when he'd ask me how things were and say 'man, they are bad... real bad'. He'd say... 'any good days?' and I'd have to think real hard. Depression reaches inside us and wrenches out all the terrible, mean things that we think about ourselves (core beliefs). It is what makes it so personally devastating and makes even living with ourselves a personal hell. Then it becomes hard to be objective... what we see is coloured by the depression we are experiencing.
Until I started writing, I couldn't tell you what was happening to my waking time from one day to the next. I know I would generalise and probably say that every day is pretty bad. But since writing I have hard evidence in front of me and committed to memory so I can see every little step over time. The steps backwards, and the multitude of steps forwards. My negative thinking is challenged by this evidence and smart people can tell when the evidence speaks louder than opinion. Without writing, or noting some other way what was happening from day to day, my warped thinking would have it wicked way and torture me into a corner.
Because I write, I notice the positive more than I would have if I didn’t. Even in the past when the days were dark… I knew I had briefly seen light, and could remember what it felt like and it gave me hope and a fight in my belly to get back to it. It was a long time before I learnt what hope could do for me… and now my sentiments on hope sit there on the header of my blog for me and others to see. Where there is hope, there is life. The tiniest little chink of hope in the darkest of places is enough for it to grow and claw away at the darkness.
Sometimes people can give hope to others through moving speeches or stories of their own survival. I remember my GP sitting in front of me confidently saying… ‘it will get better, you’ll beat this’. I used to p**s me off. But he knew that because he could see hope in me when it was small, and he’d seen enough people sit in front of him with depression to know that more win than lose. He was just rolling with the evidence.
At times of depression I need still to get tough on my thinking and expose my warped conclusions by contrasting them with the evidence. But now I know I do this because it gives me perspective and that gives me hope. And where there is hope there is life.
I tell you and I tell myself. Have courage Milli. There is plenty more to say, but this is all that needs to be said right now. That and to remind you that you are a precious miracle of nature, that you are loved by many and here writing like me and many others… not planning to end your journey. Milli, you are just getting started.
(Hug) Med
How you feeling today?
Just checking in with you again.
I came over from Med's blog. Your post is brilliant. Congratulations on having such a great day. Try to remember that the crash doesn't necessarily come the next day, you can have more than one good day in a row. Hope you are well today also.
I found you through Mehdi's blog and I'd like to make a suggestion....Take it easy before you drive yourself into the ground! If you had cancer you wouldn't demand so much of yourself - 3 groups of friends in a row would wipe me out and I'm not ill! I know that being ill is something you just want to get out of as fast as you can (yeah-9 months doesn't sound fast does it?!) but actually the slower you take it the faster you'll recover. Trust yourself knowledge. If seeing one friend for a coffee is as much as you can do and actually enjoy without becoming a zombie then leave it at that. Save another friend for another day - otherwise you will just dread seeing them and it becomes an obligation. Give yourself "get out" routes....Perhaps find out when people are already meeting up then turn up for 10 minutes but open with "i really wanted to catch up but I can only stay for 10 because I have an appointment. I ought to go straight there but I really wanted to catch up with you all" It makes people feel valued and shows friends you aren't shutting them out but you reserve your strength and energy and nobody makes you feel guilty when you leave early.
When the "crash" comes don't take it as inevitable or bad. Try and make it 'part of a process'. A lot of what is difficult is the pressure we put on ourselves. No-one wants to feel this way and no-one wants to make themselves miserable but human nature is human nature (even depression). If the best thing you can say of a day is "I didn't get bitten by a shark" well it's still a positive.
Best of luck with everything
Z
Hey there, just wondering how you are doing...
.... still wondering.... hope you're ok.
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