I've pretty much hit rock bottom now and every time i think it cant get any worse, it just does. I have absolutely no will to live anymore and everything in my life is based on whether i am still here next week or not. Today i went to have dinner at my little cousin's house - someone who is like a brother to me and usually brings me so much joy when he's around - and all i could think about when our two families were having dinner is 'is this even real?' I wish for once i could have not felt as if i was sitting in a glass box watching the conversations unfold around me as if i was in a movie flashback. Its so difficult i cannot begin to articulate it into words, and only those going through a similar thing can understand.
People keep saying to me that this wont last forever, to take it one day at a time. Its been 9 months now, which feels like forever and quite frankly, it feels like im sitting on death's row waiting for the grim reaper to take me away and set me free.
Only he keeps delaying the date and its truly messing me over.
4 comments:
Hey Milli, I'm sorry - I didn't see this coming. Your other posts seemed real positive and I enjoyed reading about the different resources you'd found and recommended.
I know how you feel. I recognise your words. And I'm not there anymore. That's why you hear other people say it won't last for ever. It doesn't make it easier... but in their own way they are trying to help you establish hope. Hope is the first step. It isn't a straight forward step... I needed medication to get to a place where i could start to hope. And hope starts real small and then grows. Sometimes it is so small it is hard to see it at all. But once you find it it will be your most powerful weapon against depression.
Please read my old post on suicide. There is so much we could talk about. You take care and keep posting. I'll reply and know from your post that you are OK.
Med
http://mehdibayjou.blogspot.com/p/suicide.html
Hey there, just checking in with you again. Let us know you are OK if you can. Med
Dear Med,
Thank you so much for commenting on my latest post. I woke up last morning and you cannot begin to imagine how happy i was knowing that someone out there is reading my blog. Sorry that the diary entry was out of the blue, this was originally supposed to be a blog about music and expressing emotions in different way but i guess that i took a chance with the diary entry and it paid off knowing that someone cared. I have decided to do more of these, I am not sure if its for my benefit or even if others read my experiences and can gain something from them.
I will definitely read your blog tomorrow morning thoroughly but i just want to thank you for your post. Its really good to know that you managed to come out of this, no doubt a stronger person.
As its 5am now im going to go to bed but ill definitely hear from you soon hopefully!
Thanks,
Milly
Milly; my blog was supposed to be about find a creative path and art so I know what you mean. Med's right, it is temporary though it may feel like it's already been forever. Just keep holding on because tomorrow might be the day that you feel inexplicably better. Feel free to e-mail me if you like. Whatever you do, please do not give up hope. Med's suicide post resonated with me big time, if you haven't read it yet, I recommend it.
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